In the glorious technological boom of the 21st century, the epoch of cool media and not-so-cool media, and a time where Amazon Prime drones will soon be flying over our houses to deliver us superfluous goods, many of which are probably pizza, there’s still only one story-telling venue I truly need to satiate my bloodlust and regular lust, especially when it comes to Naruto. That venue is fanfiction!
Fanfiction is great. Thanks to the tireless efforts of the fans, no longer lost are the opportunities of what could have been for a series. Take, for example, “blood of a sakura tree,” a collaboration between the writer Aliagame and her mysterious friend, known only as Kristen, who ditches the partnership after chapter 2 (fortunately, Alia presses on for another fourteen entries. God bless.)
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Akatsuki took over the world, demanding routine virgin sacrifices to satisfy their ritualistic torture sessions, and when Sakura is chosen, she’s spared from the crop because Sasori is in love with her? Me neither! Fortunately, these two have, and they want to invite us along for the ride. Onward, into this smut-tastic fairyland of hypothetical strangeness!
I picture this fanfiction as a Great Dane they have artlessly stowed in their backpacks as they pussyfoot into Shakespeare 101. Shenanigans ensue.
Great, I was wondering to whom I should mail this Pulitzer.
After all, Sasori is the patron saint of arbitrary copyright laws.
I’m down with that. This might not be so bad after all!
I TAKE IT BACK!! I TAKE IT BACK!!! *hiss*
I’m going to have to stop already. G-d? You censored “God?” What am I, some caveman atheist with strangely specific word-induced catatonia? Only two of those things are true, you monster. *cry*
Meet the Meats! A hilarious sit-com about Sakura’s ins and outs living with her family of corpses!
She needs the blood of the living innocent to survive.
That’s right, everyone. The Akatsuki’s lifelong goal was to pilfer some post-apocalyptic hoo-ha. Though I’m surprised they have twenty in a village of dead people.
Sakura had awoken with an portentous feeling that day. As she looked outside to see the heavens raining, she had been jealous of its ability to cry.
Plus, Sakura’s dream was to be a cloud. You just have to rub everything in her face, don’t you sky?!
What flashback? There was no flashbacking anywhere near that paragraph! Not everything that goes on inside a character’s mind is a flashback! Sometimes they think thoughts with that 3-pound fleshy thingy floating around inside their head!
You won this one, sky.
Saskue is Sasuke’s other brother, not to be confused with their nephews, Sasqueue, Sas-BBQ, y ¡¿Sasqué?!
Though it was also quite possible he was another dead person. Sakura had trouble telling those apart from regular people.
He literally sat there for minutes, twiddling his thumbs and patiently awaiting a candid response.
It’s probably because her name is Bitch. There are two places you can go with a name like Bitch and only half of them are kennel.
“Grab!” cried Bitch grabbily while tossing her a grab bag.
When it wasn’t a cadaver, it was a cow! Gosh relationships were hard for Sakura.
“We’re trying to sleep, you clingy harpy.” But that was silly, because Sakura knew that corpses can’t talk. Or can they?
And on top of the compound was a rusty weathervane, and on top of the weathervane was a cricket, and on top of that cricket was the sky! Damn youuuu!
“Ah, shit. Can anyone help roll these up?” Sakura said, as the two shots of measuring tape recoiled back into her eyes.
I think you’re gonna need some new slits, buddy.
G-d fucking dammit sky!
It’s about time Sasori showed up.
Unless they were cows?!
Wait, I’m putting two and two together here! Could it be he’s–?!
That was way off from my guess. I was going to guess a cow.
But worse yet were his werewolf fangs and don’t even get me started on that Dullahan scythe he’s carrying.
I don’t know if it’s more annoying that the authors don’t understand the omniscient 3rd person or less.
Unless that forgiveness involves tits and pink hair! Am I right?!
But first he quenched his thirst with Gatorade!
Not now, sky. I’m in the zone, as it were.
Except Sakura, because ew? Dead bodies are icky?
along with certain other things
Deidara S&M scene, pleaaaaaaase Deidara S&M scene!!
“Yeah, you tell ‘em,” said Ass. Jashin doesn’t even like cows.
His years of closeted pining for Michelle Obama had not been enough! Here was the real deal!
They were actually screaming “800 yards! 800 yards!” before the confetti of paper rulers spouted out.
But the other hand, he wanted to save room for dessert. He decided he’d get a box and take her home. This place had tartufos! Mmmm.
“On second thought I should have gotten carry-ooooooouuuuuuuuut!”
ur a cow (pun intended)
Just as Sakura stepped from her Hidan place to confront hidden.
EVERYTHING I DO IS A RITUAL SASORI YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY VIRGIN SACRIFICES
I hate how that story always takes five minutes exactly. In any case, at least he had those toned arms now. He let himself fantasize about all the Gatorades they would open together.
Why didn’t you take Ass? Name five things you can’t do with a girl named Ass.
Wow. What a journey. Finally, I understand why that couldn’t happen in the real Naruto series, and it’s not just because they couldn’t oust Michael Jordan as the face of Gatorade. Or because of all the cow specialists they’d have to get on set. It’s probably because it would be too mindnumbingly awesome.
You can read the chapters that follow on your own here!*