Sasori and OC-chan are BACK TOGETHER!

[notification type=”alert-warning” close=”true” ]Banner: “Old books” by Miguel Saavedra from sxc.hu.[/notification]

I haven’t updated in forever, so I hope you enjoy this play-by-play of the sensational romance, “Sasori Baby Daddy” by JadedBat; described only as “Sasori Baby Daddy Story” in the synopsis field. A cursory Google search for “sasori baby daddy” nets a frightening number of results, which I will have to confiscate later for… research purposes.

Yuri is no ordinary NEET — she’s a pregnant one, the fiancee of our favorite notorious S-ranked criminal puppeteer, Alice Margatroid Akasuna no Sasori. Find out what happens when they experience some of the ramifications of a pretty average pregnancy. Yes, her name is Yuri.

I took the risk and snuck this onto my blog at great personal risk, so please enjoy.

Plaster: Stop boring them Plaster, get on with the story already. Plaster would like to point out that she thought of that line*

“Sasori Baby Daddy,” by JadedBat

Featuring Illustrations from the Movie Version

Yuri laid in her bed looking up at the stars on her ceiling, she smiled at thought of her fiancé and smirked she had something important to tell him, they were parents, he was on a mission with her brother, Deidara.

I don’t think he needs her to tell him he’s on a mission, especially after he comes home from it. Whatever a woman is supposed to do, I guess. Also, is that a Passion Pit reference I see there?

You sighed, you knew your brother would be upset, that you were pregnant; you just didn’t know how your fiancé would react.

Wait, who’s pregnant?! Yuri or me?

Yuri pulled a book from her nightstand, only to hear ‘BOOM’ and her future husband say “Act your age”

Yeah, act your age, nightstand!

Yuri heard her door open and in walked her favorite red head,

PEIN?!

she smirked and put her arms out, as if to call him over, he smirked and walked over to her, he laid down with his arms around her, he laid his head on her shoulder.

As in any intelligent romance, these lovers communicate through an elaborate Morse code of winks, hair flips, and smirking. Let’s watch them interact in their natural habitat.

“So what are you reading?” he asked
“Oh, this?” Yuri asked “It’s a book on poems”
“Anything interesting?” He asked

Wait, words?! Books?! This is outside your native language! I’m confused!

“Hai” She said

ohai there

and froze as he touched her stomach; he froze, and looked her questioningly “What?”
“Are you pregnant?” He asked

Either the author has confused “pregnancy tests positive” with “third trimester” or Sasori has the shrewd medical acumen of a god.

“So that is why you didn’t go on the mission?” He questioned

Uh, no? What kind of fiancée would she be if she didn’t willingly stay home in order to tell you you were on a mission after you got home?!

sasori racin home to be the baby daddy

Sasori races home to his destiny. The horse playing Hiruko died
before the film was completed.

“I found out shortly after you left, I didn’t go because i didn’t feel good” Yuri said
“Good, your not going on anymore missions” Sasori said as he kissed your shoulder

Sasori, if you’re going to cheat on your preggers fiancée with me, you might have the decency not to use her as a bolster while we do it.

“Good” Yuri said

or not ok whatever threesome

“I can’t wait to see Deidara’s face when you tell him we’re pregnant” Sasori said

Wait, all three of us are pregnant?!?

-6 months later-

Hopefully this is the cut to us doing those cheesy jazzercise routines for pregnant ladies.

Yuri laid in their bed, only to have Sasori’s arm draped across her stomach, he was also reading, but reading over her shoulder,

… Nope. They’re still on top of each other reading. Baby steps, guys. Baby steps.

She felt the baby kick, she smiled as his hand roomed her swolled stomach.

Oh, I’m about to evict your hand’s ass from that stomach, you cheating skank Sasori.

“I still think the baby is a boy” He said
“No it’s a girl” Yuri repled

“No! It’s a girl!” Yuri yelped as the shrieking lamia nesting in her larynx erupted forth and devoured them both.

“You know it won’t be to much longer before we can’t do anything” he said running his hand down Yuri waist

We never should have volunteered to be cripples in that program next fall.

“Get out of my room, Deidara!”

“About that, um, the doctor things it’s best if we don’t well” Yuri said blushing

We wouldn’t want to have sex in front of the baby. We all know babies are gossiping little bastards.

“We can’t?” he asked shocked
“We can’t have sex” She said
“Ok, all you had to do was say so” He said and kissed her lips

Of course you can’t have sex, Sasori! You’re pregnant!

“I love you” He said
“And I love you” She said

Haha, did you think there was going to be a conflict? He’s a serial killer, not a monster.

“And you two need to quit, un” Deidara said walking by the room

Not now, Mom. I’m about to receive the D!

“Well I was wondering if you would go shopping with me?” She asked
“What about me?” Sasori asked

You can go fuck yourself, Sasori. I’m not married to you.

Hold still, you little beasties.

— 8 years later —

-3 months later-
Yuri held her daughter in her arms as she walked over to her husband’s desk,

Whose side are you on, author?!

he looked over at them, and smiled, he sat back in his chair, she walked around the desk, she sat on his lap. He frowned as she kissed his lips; he pulled back, and glared.

“I realized I hate you,” said Sasori, snatching his broomstick and cackling into the night.

“What?” She asked
“Don’t want to hurt Hana” he said
“Well you won’t” She said

You know displays of affection give her hives.

(Note: Hana means flower)

Nice try, but your quasi-Japanese has already done enough damage.

Sasori hurts Hana.

That’s it. That’s the whole story. No conflicts, no relationship tension, no drama, just a meek public service announcement about two people deciding not to have sexy times because they’re both pregnant. This is not even a cleverly disguised postmodernist satire of the structured story. We will never know what happened to my baby or what was up with Deidara’s unaddressed voyeurism (more like undressed voyeurism! Ca-ching!)

For those of you flipping panickedly through your Urban Dictionaries to reconfirm the definition of “baby daddy,” you are totally right. Sasori is not a baby daddy in this story. That means the author trimmed down their title and explanation of this garbage to just four different words, and all of them are wrong. Hell, this is even categorized under family! And not ABC Family! Plus, “Sasori Baby Daddy” marks the 8th entry to Jaded’s “Baby Daddy” series. The other seven were all posted on the same day, so I’ll just assume it’s just the same story with the names swapped out. But this means that by 8 pieces into a series about baby daddies, they still have not figured out the definition. That is like publishing a textbook on marine biology that’s just 400 pages of crappie fish puns.

To the author’s credit, English is their second language. But they also believe their mastery over our crazy kid slang is so firm that they should publish their entire oeuvre in English despite the multilingual venues on Fanfiction.net, and cite their age as “well old.” Wells are pretty old. You should learn by now.

<– Previous*

Post Author: plaster

Winner of Miss Best Effort seven years and counting, Plasterbrain spends her days pretending to code, writing music, and third bullet point. Her top three first dates would be hunting for slugs, writing fanfiction about Hanzo, and a joint Powerpoint presentation. Oh wait wait wait! Can I add a fourth? The fourth is Neopets.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *