I haven’t updated in forever, so I hope you enjoy this play-by-play of the sensational romance, “Sasori Baby Daddy” by JadedBat; described only as “Sasori Baby Daddy Story” in the synopsis field. A cursory Google search for “sasori baby daddy” nets a frightening number of results, which I will have to confiscate later for… research purposes.
Yuri is no ordinary NEET — she’s a pregnant one, the fiancee of our favorite notorious S-ranked criminal puppeteer,
Alice Margatroid Akasuna no Sasori. Find out what happens when they experience some of the ramifications of a pretty average pregnancy. Yes, her name is Yuri.
I took the risk and snuck this onto my blog at great personal risk, so please enjoy.
Plaster: Stop boring them Plaster, get on with the story already. Plaster would like to point out that she thought of that line*
“Sasori Baby Daddy,” by JadedBat
Featuring Illustrations from the Movie Version
I don’t think he needs her to tell him he’s on a mission, especially after he comes home from it. Whatever a woman is supposed to do, I guess. Also, is that a Passion Pit reference I see there?
Wait, who’s pregnant?! Yuri or me?
Yeah, act your age, nightstand!
As in any intelligent romance, these lovers communicate through an elaborate Morse code of winks, hair flips, and smirking. Let’s watch them interact in their natural habitat.
“Oh, this?” Yuri asked “It’s a book on poems”
“Anything interesting?” He asked
Wait, words?! Books?! This is outside your native language! I’m confused!
“Are you pregnant?” He asked
Either the author has confused “pregnancy tests positive” with “third trimester” or Sasori has the shrewd medical acumen of a god.
Uh, no? What kind of fiancée would she be if she didn’t willingly stay home in order to tell you you were on a mission after you got home?!
Sasori races home to his destiny. The horse playing Hiruko died
before the film was completed.
“Good, your not going on anymore missions” Sasori said as he kissed your shoulder
Sasori, if you’re going to cheat on your preggers fiancée with me, you might have the decency not to use her as a bolster while we do it.
or not ok whatever threesome
Wait, all three of us are pregnant?!?
Hopefully this is the cut to us doing those cheesy jazzercise routines for pregnant ladies.
… Nope. They’re still on top of each other reading. Baby steps, guys. Baby steps.
Oh, I’m about to evict your hand’s ass from that stomach, you cheating skank Sasori.
“No it’s a girl” Yuri repled
“No! It’s a girl!” Yuri yelped as the shrieking lamia nesting in her larynx erupted forth and devoured them both.
We never should have volunteered to be cripples in that program next fall.
“Get out of my room, Deidara!”
We wouldn’t want to have sex in front of the baby. We all know babies are gossiping little bastards.
“We can’t have sex” She said
“Ok, all you had to do was say so” He said and kissed her lips
Of course you can’t have sex, Sasori! You’re pregnant!
“And I love you” She said
Haha, did you think there was going to be a conflict? He’s a serial killer, not a monster.
Not now, Mom. I’m about to receive the D!
“What about me?” Sasori asked
You can go fuck yourself, Sasori. I’m not married to you.
— 8 years later —
Yuri held her daughter in her arms as she walked over to her husband’s desk,
Whose side are you on, author?!
“I realized I hate you,” said Sasori, snatching his broomstick and cackling into the night.
“Don’t want to hurt Hana” he said
“Well you won’t” She said
You know displays of affection give her hives.
Nice try, but your quasi-Japanese has already done enough damage.
Sasori hurts Hana.
That’s it. That’s the whole story. No conflicts, no relationship tension, no drama, just a meek public service announcement about two people deciding not to have sexy times because they’re both pregnant. This is not even a cleverly disguised postmodernist satire of the structured story. We will never know what happened to my baby or what was up with Deidara’s unaddressed voyeurism (more like undressed voyeurism! Ca-ching!)
For those of you flipping panickedly through your Urban Dictionaries to reconfirm the definition of “baby daddy,” you are totally right. Sasori is not a baby daddy in this story. That means the author trimmed down their title and explanation of this garbage to just four different words, and all of them are wrong. Hell, this is even categorized under family! And not ABC Family! Plus, “Sasori Baby Daddy” marks the 8th entry to Jaded’s “Baby Daddy” series. The other seven were all posted on the same day, so I’ll just assume it’s just the same story with the names swapped out. But this means that by 8 pieces into a series about baby daddies, they still have not figured out the definition. That is like publishing a textbook on marine biology that’s just 400 pages of crappie fish puns.
To the author’s credit, English is their second language. But they also believe their mastery over our crazy kid slang is so firm that they should publish their entire oeuvre in English despite the multilingual venues on Fanfiction.net, and cite their age as “well old.” Wells are pretty old. You should learn by now.