On today’s episode of My Boyfriend, Dude tries to make up for missing last night’s date, and Vanessa gives Stanley some business advice. Meanwhile, a thief is loose on the island. Will we discover their identity before it’s too late? Can Stanley escape the rising tides of poverty, and overcome her cereal bar addiction? Find out!
Another day dawns. Stanley starts the day off right by appreciating this fine art. Whatever it is. There is an offering of cereal bars and apples on the table.
Vanessa wants to head for the beach but I decide to pick up a little spending money by delivering mail. You get a letter addressed to one of the thirteen bungalows and have to run to the door and press space bar under some kind of timer.
This is not a fun job. The first round was only five letters, but the second was 15 for about the same money. You probably guessed that the letters are assigned one at a time and in random order.Bungalow 1 receives about half of the day’s mail. Bungalow 9 where Stanley lives also receives a letter but I’m not allowed to just, you know, take it. Probably Vanessa’s unpaid $17,000 credit card bill, amirite?
Bored and still broke as an eggshell, I visit Vanessa down at the beach to sunbathe. Vanessa, of course, gets the bright yellow beach chair, while Stanley gets the warm embrace of scorching white sand. She’s going for the “seared ahi tuna” look that’s so hot this season.
We also get a hot tip: press F to sit down anywhere! To boost your relax stat! Or something! Not that I’d need that. I AM VERY RELAXED!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today Vanessa wants to look into the upcoming resort guest talent show(?). Mr. Herman at the information desk explains the thee available activities: step aerobics, dancing, and hacky sack.
Do not question these activities. These activities are all popular in American talent shows. How else do you explain the record-high ratings for America’s Got Hacky Sack? It’s never explained how this contest of three predetermined, unrelated activities is supposed to work.
Vanessa wants to practice these activities, and by that she means she wants me to practice these activities. Step aerobics is the closest and sounds the easiest, so I suggest that first. No matter which you pick for the talent show, you have to do all three of them successfully in order to move on in the game.
As you can see each activity is a shitty rhythm game routine. As I mentioned before, sound doesn’t work in this game so I’m left doing step aerobics DDR in total silence.
Dance isn’t much better. Instead of regular silent DDR, this time there are twice as many notes and they’re all cramped together. Somehow I manage to get these right on the first try, but hacky sack proves to be a challenge. Instead of more notes, this time the speed is about doubled and the notes only spawn halfway down the line giving you less than a second to react.
When you mess up once, Stanley drops the sack and after being told how awful you are, you’re kicked out of the game and have to talk to the hacky sack NPC again.
Dude sends an apology text about last night, but I’m not so interested in My Boyfriend anymore. All I want now is My Hackey Sack Talent Show.
Next Vanessa wants us to learn all about different jobs. I don’t know about you, but my paradise definitely would not allow such abominations as caramel-cherry-lime ice cream. Also, the interface here includes a “Done” button and a button with some German on it.
I should mention that Vanessa is the lodestone around which this world revolves. No activity can start or end without express approval of Vanessa. No time passes in this world without express approval of Vanessa. I must now complete all the jobs in order to move on to the next life.
Here’s a roundabout conversation which ultimately just leads to the revelation that I can walk people’s dogs. What even the hell though, Stanley? “I’d like to do something with horses?” Someone offers some pocket change for doing menial tasks and you ask if there’s anything to be done with horses? “Yes, there’s time in my schedule to mow your lawn, but what I’d really like to do is get paid for sampling your fine wines.” Fuck you Stanley. This is the real world.
So yeah, I deliver the mail and walk a dog again because I have to and this time I receive $1. I’d say something about minimum wage but it’s hard to calculate salary by the hour in a world without hours.
On the bright side, people will now accept cereal bars before I can eat them. It seems that game mechanic was dependent on Vanessa.
Mr. Herman tells us there’s a thief on the island and any information that leads to an arrest will get us a reward. The plot thickens…
I try to flirt with other boys but I forgot they only see me as their pool servant now. You know, if you had told me my dream vacation would just be doing labor for people richer than me I would have just stayed home, to be honest.
Dude sends Mike — the real Mike — to apologize in person for missing the date last night, but it’s pretty meaningless because the person who should be apologizing is the flake in the blazer who is still sitting stupidly by the volleyball net at the beach pretending to be busy.
I learn there are two people named Carlos on the island. One of them is bound to be the
murderer PET THIEF.
The last job, which took me way too long to find, is at the “lounge,” aka the club, and you have to talk to the NPC that previously would only let you do the shitty dance lessons.
After all my vacation chores are done, it’s finally night time, time to begrudgingly go on the make-up date with Dude. This better be good, Dude. Vanessa has me working like a dog and you not only cancelled our first date on me via text last minute with no explanation, you then tried to get your best friend to patch things up. I try to put on my nice face.
Oh! A separated thirty-second paddleboat ride to the island I found yesterday. You and I have very different concepts of “first date.” Buddy, I founded this island.
When we arrive, I meander a bit and find a new fortune cookie. It says, “Don’t get your hopes up.” Too little too late, cookie.
Then I talk to Dude again so we can maybe start a bonfire in the pit and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes while the sun sets and the stars emerge.
O-Oh! Dude wants a paddle boat ride. Now the date is over. Alrighty I guess. I hope you wont mind a figurative paddle boat ride off the rapids of my heart and somewhere into my spleen.
Ever the gentleman, Dude offers to walk me home to Bungalow 9 (HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE). I’m worried about Vanessa seeing us together at this hour, but Dude insists on walking together.
On walking together.
On walking together.
On WALKING! TOGETHER!
The Carloses walk me home.