Sorry, readers aged 0 to 30. This article is for old-timers only. You may have been confused by the word “Millennials” appearing in the title and URL slug, but this is not a dog bowl, this is scholarly investigative journalism, meaning we only put your namesake on it to garner easy page views from your #woke elders, who have opened their eyes to the 21st century reality — Millennials are killing a devastating number of nouns. And now we’re adding one more to the list.
You should probably stay away next month too, as we’ll be running a feature on how Millennials are killing journalism what with their lack of readership. We will not spot the irony. If you point it out in the comments you will be banned.
Screw you, kids!
Cool, now that our younger readers are probably gone, we can dispense with formalities.
As you well know, ye readers who share my cohort and political views and whom I thus deem to be more intelligent, the Millennials have been hard at work destroying our culture, what with their smart phones and notions of racial equality. (Smart phones? More like DUMB phones. Please rate this joke out of 10 in the comments; I’m working on a stand-up routine.) We are in the midst of a socioeconomic war of attrition.
Our business section is ordinarily inclined to share bits of economic wisdom, such as how to increase your market share, encourage customer loyalty, or download non-system default fonts for your DIY small business branding (Bradley Hand hasn’t been cute for years, Karen). Particularly astute entrepreneurs and data gurus might also observe modern marketing is predicated on the cultivation of a highly specific audience reached via data-gathering, algorithms, and consumer profiling. However, sometimes the world’s collective marketing knowledge, accumulated over the past century and a half, is not enough to tailor a product, business, or marketing strategy in such a way as to outfox those crafty Millennials.
You may be the progenitor to one of these unfortunate gremlins. By eating avocado toast(?) and supporting independent businesses, they are sucking the life from true and honest and honest-to-true underdogs like Buffalo Wild Wings and De Beers. If you don’t have a Millennial in your home, here’s a #HotTip on how to spot one: 1. hoodies. 2. a balaclava (optional). 3. they will be brandishing a crowbar, a gun, a hammer, or six credit cards at an unsuspecting laptop. YOUR laptop. Source: Google image search for “hacker stock photo.” (Hacker is a slang word for Millennial.)
Concerning new data suggests that Millennials are gutting yet another industry through their young people sorcery: coffin manufacturers. They are simply refusing to die and refusing to buy coffins decades in advance. They prefer to listen to rap music and practice their New Age religions rather than dwell on their inescapable mortality and participation in a capitalist society. Even those who do perish through disease, suicide, or accidents are selfishly boycotting coffin makers in favor of “grassroots” and “startup” alternatives like being too dead to exchange currency for goods and services.
Why Millennials Are Killing Stuff
What drives Millennials to destroy our society like the tiny Godzillas they are? Actually, that’s giving Millennials way too much cultural leverage. What drives them to destroy our society like the tiny Mothras they are? According to a study where I was mildly vexed by a handful of tweets, spelled Web Site as two separate, proper nouns, and referred to Google as though it were a person, Millennials may lack the
means emotional intelligence and attention span to appreciate highly cerebral businesses such as coffin-building and distribution. They are playing video games that make them violent, such as the Danny Phantom (please do not Google, it is a very scary ghost game for kids) and the Slenderman (I don’t know what it is but it sounds like it promotes anorexia). They are using social media and smart phones which shorten their attention span and encourage political thoughts.
The aggressiveness and short attention span-ness which form such an integral part of the Millennial psyche stunt their growth in so many ways. For example, most Millennials won’t reach the developmental “appreciation of golf” milestone, which is supposed to manifest at 4-6 months, until 40 years of age, if ever. If these Mortal Kombats and Cooking Mamas are teaching our kids to solve problems with guns, how will they find the patience required to only hit a ball with a stick once every 30 minutes?
Beyond the cognitive level, Millennials are also attitudinally unprepared to face the real world as moneyed adults. The so-called “Selfie Generation,” consisting mostly of tweens and college kids I dislike, may be reluctant to buy Kentucky Fried Chicken or whatever for the same reason these under-30-year-olds aren’t running for Presidential office: laziness.
Many commenters, who may themselves be Millennials but are probably communists, have taken to Twitter to point out the fucking insanity of blaming an entire generation of consumers for the failure of some businesses to stay culturally relevant. They’ve even offered some counter-theories, like the fact that napkins, diamonds, and rounds of golf are all pointless amenities for most of the population, and usually the first on the chopping block when balancing the average Millennial’s monthly budget of $3, $40k in student debt loans, ★ valuable internship experience ★, and a single uncooked macaroni.
But that doesn’t rule out the possibility that Millennials are meeting up on a monthly basis to worship Satan and agree on which business to next boycott en masse. Ready for some more science? A content analysis done by some guy at a real university, using a sample of 5 entire things, showed that the correlation between items on the Millennial “hit list” and things which have been mentioned on MTV is NONE PERCENT. For those of you who don’t know, MTV is the opiate of the Millennials. This finding suggests that to save our industries, we may have to think like the kids and start advertising integral products on the MTV.
It may be too late for coffins, but headstones, which are naturally next in line to be condemned, may have a chance to survive. My recommendation? Find the Millennial’s TV channels and put out advertisements to remind them of this important industry, preferably featuring silent photos of cemeteries with a slight Ken Burns effect.
Until then, I have only this to say to the Millennials. When you’re done killing the coffin industry, tiny witches, how will we bury it? In the ground, uncoffined? I bet you didn’t consider that one.