Disenfranchised after his work in the Bible, Satan has been busy as an indie game developer, and is currently working on the twenty-somethingth iteration of his magnum opus, Pony Island. Now it’s up to you to beta-test this hellish, horse-themed endless runner, traversing fences, flying across bottomless pits, and shooting lasers at wizard goblins. Save the imprisoned souls of the arcade as you hack your way through Pony Island’s terrible source code and the artefacts of its entire development history, including the early text-adventure version, the 3D version, the adventure game version, and the version with a mascot.
Oh boy, I love platformers! Just kidding. I do not love platformers.
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“Hets” by Ditto is a rainbow-rific platform shooter in a magical land of bugs and unhealthy anger coping strategies. Using a heavy-quotations “rifle” end-heavy-quotations, you must trek through 16 randomly generated levels disposing of evil statues and more hostile alien creatures than you can fit in your grandma’s sock drawer, collecting upgrades along the way. Also featuring a review of the much-more-appealing Murder at the Residence Gudul by Sparklin Labs.